Im surrounded by all this food and just stuffing it all in my mouth. French macaroons of various colors and flavors, several types of icecream, cakes, pastries, cookies. I am suffocating myself in food. High off of this sick feeling of knowing how satisfying it will be once I get rid of it all. What a great relief it will feel as I shove my fingers down my throat. Breathing is so hard as I choke down water and shovel more food in my mouth to the point I reach a form of destruction theres no going back from.
I wake up sweating and confused. I can’t help, but to confuse my nightmare with reality, “did this really happen?” I am over three weeks free of binging and purging, but I lay half sitting up in my bed shaking with absolute terror. I don’t want to go back to binging and purging.
Tomorrow I will be exactly three weeks free from binging/purging behaviors including laxative and diet pill abuse as well. I haven’t gone this long without behaviors since 2016. Its been atleast two years since my last successful attempt at recovery that lasted eleven months. I keep thinking “this is it, Im giving it up for good! Im free,” but to be honest I don’t know if that is even true because back in 2016 I thought the same exact thing. I am afraid of slipping, falling and all the pain that comes with relapsing again. In a sense I am also afraid of growing, experiencing emotions, finding myself and all the pain that comes with recovery. Most of all I am afraid that the other shoe will drop when I least expect it. I am petrified that once that shoe drops again it will fall on everything I created in my recovery. It will crush every piece of hope and discourage me to continue with recovery. Is the biggest fear in recovery relapsing or is it finally grasping that a relapse is possibile, but so is picking up the pieces after a relapse?
Im picking up the pieces and slowly, but surely attempting to become whole. The thing about eating disorders is they break you. Not fully at first, but slowly with tiny cracks until you shatter.
After an endless binge/purge cycle I’ve managed to finally get nine days free that lead to a little slip and then back in the right direction. Its been atleast six days so far , but it’s a big deal for me. I haven’t been able to go this long without behaviors since February 2017. Every thing is so much more challenging when you are suddenly recovering for you and no one else. Two and a half years ago I entered recovery for my ex boyfriend all because I didn’t want him to leave me. It wasn’t even for me or because I really wanted to. Now its for me and thats the most challenging part because I don’t fully believe I deserve recovery or to be happy in general. I’ve lost track of days, weeks and even months while I was in my on-going binge/purge cycle. Parts of it were terrifying because I felt so scared and helpless. Parts of me wanted to die because I felt like a prisoner to my own mind. My body and my mind were at war and neither it felt were going to win. I felt like I was slowly ripping myself apart from the inside out. Every day was the same day, every food taste the same and I knew in the end it all needed to leave my body the exact same way each day. It was the true definition of insanity; completely maddening. My only hope is that slowly, but surely I will find myself somewhere amongst the pieces I shattered.
I can’t seem to stop binging and purging. I can’t seem to figure my life out. I can’t seem to pull myself together.
Its been a while since I’ve actually posted something. Theres no excuses really, except a mind that can’t sit still and a million failed drafts. It seems I’ve hit a rock in my recovery..and have found myself stumbling down the rabbit hole once more. I keep telling myself “I’ll stop, this is it,” but its never it and I never stop. I’m seeing my nutritionist again and parts of me wonder if I belong in inpatient instead of just seeing a therapist weekly and my nutritionist every 2-3 weeks. I can’t seem to piece my life together nor stop crying. I search for a million quick fixes: diets, different excercises, routines, etc, but they all fail. They’re all quick fixes that lead to a binge/purge episode within five days. I feel like theres no way out and that I am losing this battle. Maybe thats the wine talking or maybe thats the truth. All I know is tomorrow I’ll try again, it will get better. It has to.
I can’t focus on anything other than the pain from my lower back teeth in my mouth. The ache is a brutal reminder that Bulimia comes with consequences and after eleven years those consequences are no longer things you hear about, but real.
I have recently had dental work done on fourteen teeth within the course of a few months. Some of the teeth were in much worse shape than the others and it’s a miracle they were able to be saved. Due to my eating disorder my teeth are very sensitive from enamel erosion and when ever I binge/purge even if it’s only for that one day my mouth suffers for it to the point where my teeth ache. In reality you may think you can out run everything, but eventually consequences will always catch up to you just to prove that you aren’t not as invincible as you once thought.
I am drunk. I am lost.
Really I’m just melodramatic and tipsy stuck between a rock and a hard place. Over thinking life and no one next to me is a deadly combination that leads to instant sadness. The type of sadness one can not shake. The sadness that feels like a bottomless pit growing inside your stomach that gradually takes over your body until you can not breathe. The type of sadness that would make me tear at my skin creating marks of madness or purge myself into oblivion. Parts of me wonder if recovery is possible or if I’m stuck forever? Doomed to a binge, purge, and restrict cycle followed by brief periods of recovery that are filled with urges and eventually lead to spiraling relapses. Eleven years in the making of kicking and screaming just to find myself drowning in regrets and wishful thinking.
My head is pounding not because I haven’t eaten, but because after deep consideration I took myself off of my stimulant that I have been on for several months perscribed to me by my psychiatrist. Stimulants in a way worsen my Bulimia. I crave sweets and various processed carbohydrates constantly to the point I end up binging and purging or occasionally my appetite is nonexistent. This is not only extremely difficult, but also confusing for me because once the stimulant wore off I would become so hungry to the point I would once again binge and purge. A huge part of recovery for Bulimia revolves not only around noticing how you feel, but mindful eating as well. This means being able to follow hunger ques, to tell the difference between when you’re actually hungry or simply in emotional mind and want to manipulate food and being able to nurture your body without harsh judgement. I found it difficult to do any of those things while taking a stimulant. Now finally being off stimulants for good I can continue practicing mindful eating and following hunger ques. However I can not place all the blame fully on the stimulant; I know there were several times I found myself in emotional distress and instead of distracting myself or delaying the binge/purge by using distress tolerance skills I chose to binge and purge instead. Constantly I am looking for quick fixes for my Bulimia. New diets, different exercise routines, food restrictions, moving to a new place and so much more. Instead of acknowledging that these quick fixes are not going to be permanent, but are just a bandaid, I throw myself in denial and say “this will cure everything.” Often the only cure for pain is pain because no one said addressing that pain and looking at yourself would be painless. If this all was painless and easy everyone would be in recovery. All those suffering from an eating disorder would jump right into treatment if it was completely painless. Sadly it’s not. Facing your demons and learning to love yourself despite the years you spent attempting to destroy yourself is not easy. You were searching for a peace of mind only to discover you were at war with yourself. You were destroying your own temple. To love yourself fully after spending years of drowning in self hatred is ultimately one of the hardest lessons to learn. The second is believing you’re worth it. And maybe it’s time I tell myself I am.