Crooked.

Have you ever felt like your head was a little off? Maybe that it was crooked or even that everything around you was crooked? Did it cause you to see crooked? Did you ever see straight again? Did you find sanity in insanity or did you lose yourself completely as you attempted to find yourself? I have gone through these many motions as if they were a movie plenty of times and even when I was doing well all I could see was crooked. 

My head is on straight, but everything looks crooked and it has been a few months since I could say I haven’t purged at all. However, within those few months it almost felt like years and the two days I have without purging seem so difficult to the point it is keeping me up at night. In a sense this on going obsessive thinking has lead my mind to roam in dark places. Perhaps when my mind begins to roam in dark places it begins to see things crooked and gnarled. Despite all of this I am clenching on to the fact that I see my eating disorder nutritionist this Wednesday. I can’t help, but feel relieved, which is ironic considering in both my first and second time in treatment I was far from any word called “relieved.” Maybe that’s what eleven years can do to someone, maybe that’s addiction. I miss being told “it’s okay,” as strange as it sounds I routinely went over my food journal with my nutritionist just for the sake of her giving me permission to keep my food down. In a sense I needed someone to tell me it’s okay to eat and to not purge. That the world wouldn’t end and nothing horrible would happen if I ate something, enjoyed it and did not get rid of it or ate so much of it until I was literally sick. I miss being reminded that everything is okay and perfection is just a unrealistic horrible idea that no one should listen to once it speaks, because right now all I feel is this world crashing in on me along with the constant burden of perfection and the many lies it whispers in my ear.

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