No one ever said putting yourself back together was easy let alone that there wouldn’t be pieces missing. My job in the chef world has been extremely rewarding and in a sense I now grasp why so many say it is not a job for the sane. Sane civil people could not do what I do and I grasp that now. However with this job came many lapses in my recovery, but I can not blame it all on my job when some of it has to do with the fact I was in an extremely stressful relationship that I could not cope with emotionally. It was tiring and draining; even if I did like the person I was with, in the end we ended up hating each other. I genuinely believe him being fucked up didn’t fuck me up more. What fucked me up more truthfully was the fact that I could not take away his pain. No matter what I couldn’t make him happy no matter how hard I tried, but if you were to ask him he’d tell you I wasn’t trying hard enough. There was no smiles just me wondering why I couldn’t make him happy and him pointing out every thing I’ve done wrong. I learned that in the end that everything about me was wrong because I truly believed I could fix him and make everything better. In reality you can’t fix people, nor make them truly happy. You can either continue pouring your heart out loving them unconditionally or close yourself up, turn to stone and learn to hate them to keep yourself from breaking. I didn’t want to break to pieces and become nothing so I went with the second option and taught myself to hate him to the point we could not be in the same room together without arguing and I made sure of that. We were just two toxic people; I was gasoline, he was a match and together we lit each other on fire constantly to the point all that was left of our poor excuse of a relationship was ashes. If you haven’t caught on yet you’ll catch on now when I tell you the word “sorry” can not bring back to life whatever you chose to set on fire because you can not mend ashes; they’re remains of what once was and you can’t fix that.